What does crack smell like?

  Well, things just continue to get more interesting here in Splitsville!

  Why does the house smell like burning plastic?!? Funny, I never smell it during the day but once I'm tucked all snugly in my bed there it is again. I jump up and race through the house once again, this time determined to find it. Is there a bread wrapper melting on the stove?  No.  Did one of the grand kids leave a crayon on the wood stove?  No.  Is the wiring in the house on fire?!!?!!  I search like a bloodhound and narrow it down to my soon to be ex husband's bedroom. Just before I fling open the door to tell him he's on fire, it hits me.

  I walk to the computer room and Google," What does crack smell like?" Yes my friends that's right, burning plastic. To be fair it could be meth.

  After 23 years of being drug free, here I am inhaling an addicts disgusting fumes.

  My husband who has been clean for 12 years, has not and is not.

  The good news is, March is closer then ever. Freedom from his lies and manipulation is dead ahead.

  I studied and passed the Paraprofessional test and am now employed with the local school district and have applied for an even better paying job with them. I'm going to be just fine.

It's Therapy Thursday!

As I was sitting in the waiting room today, waiting to get my weekly pep talk. I heard this strange conversation;

   elderly woman; "You heard about Joanne's son?  He's living on the coast now."

   elderly man (sitting across the room); "Dave said he's tired of driving that road."

   elderly woman's husband; "He's going to college down there."

   elderly man;" When I got home yesterday, my girlfriend was packing her suitcase, she said she's leaving me."

   elderly woman; " Why?"

   elderly man;" She said I'm a pedophile. I said, that's a pretty big word for a twelve year old"


Just as he delivered his punch line the nurse called the elderly woman back so the rest of us in the waiting room sat in silence.

After an awkward minute or two the elderly man went to the receptionists window and said loudly
 "Does anybody know I'm here!"

I just wanted to write this down because awesome things like this don't happen everyday.

One Fine Day

  These past two years have not been for nothing.  I've gotten closer to the real me.  I found a wonderful little town that I never want to leave. Someday soon the sadness and anger will be a distant memory.  I'll wake up happy again.  I'll walk in the woods and appreciate every tree and bird and mushroom with peace in my head and heart.  I'll have another vegetable garden to tend and wild birds to feed.  Sunny days I'll sit in a lawn chair outdoors and watch my grandsons play. Stormy days I'll sit by the fire and crochet.  Come soon future.

Run Shawn, run!

  It's been a weird day, I've been motivated and excited one minute then fighting back tears the next.

  My husband and I have to live in the same house for a few months although the marriage is over. My main tactic is to avoid interaction.

  I needed out, so I got a Subway sandwich and parked at the park to eat. As I pulled up I saw a bicycle leaned up on a wooden fence, and near by, a young man, stretching.  Beware the lady in the red Taurus.

  My thoughts developed slowly, this is how they unfolded. As I unwrapped my sandwich it smelled like school lunch. I could smell and feel the comfort of school. School was welcoming and warm so different from home. I thought about all the years I've felt less than. I thought, why do I know the people I love so well, everything about them. I care about what they're thinking and feeling. I care what happened to them today and everyday since they were born, I care what their favorite food is and what they believe, yet not know myself, never put myself first. Then I felt guilty for eating a sandwich when my husband wasn't, even though I'd heard him in the kitchen feeding himself. Then I just started saying," fuck you! fuck that!" over and over in my head, then my victim ran by...

  I focused on him. I thought about his life. Whatever was happening in his life he decided to ride his bike to the park, and run. Lap after lap, each lap getting wetter and redder in the face.  For HIM!  My next thought was, I'm strong like that! If I put my mind to it, I could run 5 laps. I could start riding a bike!

  I watched him as he walked his last lap to cool down, with my hand on the door handle. Oh shit! How many times have I done this kind of thing? I make myself so nervous!  It's brave,  it's stupid,  it's a huge emotional risk!

  And then I was face to face with him. I said " I wanted to tell you that you inspired me and made me feel better" Then my face went all ugly and I blubbered some stuff about divorce and feeling displaced and blah, blah, blah. When I finally got control of myself, he spoke. He told me he was feeling the exact same way last year at this time. He would come and run with his dogs and I should try to walk it at first. We exchanged names.

  I said  "sorry, I didn't think I was going to cry"  he said  "hey, it just means you're real" which is the most perfect thing he could have said. It's what I'm striving for, to be a truth teller, to love myself and to be real.

   Sometimes real looks ugly.

Bob Newhart has nothing on Deborah

   Yes, I have a therapist. Her name is Deborah and she is one of the very few, healthy women I know. We discuss issues like, should I stop wearing my wedding ring or move into the guest room. She helps me focus on myself, which is amazingly difficult after years of caring for others. Meditation, being outdoors, bubble baths and being kind to myself when I use too much food, for comfort, are all things I'm working on.
   The bubble bath has proven to be a particularly beneficial practice. With candles lit, a glass of wine and my Caress body wash, I laid back to enjoy some ME time. Immediately the 40 pounds of  my overabundance rose to the top of the water, like cream. It was beautiful, it glowed in the candle light. I've been telling myself I need to lose 25 pounds. This is truth telling my friend. I've got a pretty good eye and there is at least 40 pounds of excess flesh. Another perk of the bubble bath is that warm water really does magnify alcohol! 1 glass of wine feels like 3. So i saved around 200 calories!
   There is also a down side to bubble baths, at one point I felt like I might shave my arm, I think it was the 3 glasses of wine. It's also not that easy to get your skinnygirl out of the tub with all that beautiful, glowing, fat trying to get out too.
   Thank you Deborah, for helping me become the selfish person that I know I can be.

Finding the real, new, me.

  I value originality. I love the quirky, weird and the obscure. With the same passion I have to love the unexpected and unknown, I HATE cliches; " peas in a pod",  "make my day", " keep your fingers crossed". That's why every time I heard someone say,  "You have to love yourself first"  over the past 50 years I've ignored it.  It's just another saying.  Anyway, there's no room to love yourself when you're so busy taking care of a dysfunctional mother, lovers,  friends and then raising two kids.

  At 51, with both my children grown and gone from home, I was alone for the first time in my life. I had a choice, a fork in the road.  One road led to self knowledge, peace and healthy living. The other road, led to another addicted, selfish, angry, critical, mess to clean up. You know, something to keep me busy for 20 or 30 years! I ran frantically into the eye of the hurricane.


  This blog is about me finding my way back to myself and learning to love ME.

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